26/09/14

You're still and will always be my favourite. I'll always be here fr you even if we never get back together again.

13/5/14

I just got back from Fclub abt an hr ago.
Am at my friend's place, both of them are asleep.
I thought I might have just let go of everything.
But the thought of you just suddenly came.
Fuck it.

In the past few days i've met new people.
They were really nice. But I don't trust any of them for sure.
New guys to be specific, hahaha
Seriously fuck men.
Nah, they're not men. Fuck guys. I don't think any of them are fit to be called men yet.
Well. I'm here, thinking about you again, and idk why either.
Seriously.
I don't hate you. I love you so much.
But I'm wishing so hard that these thoughts of you would go away too.
It's really taking a toll on me and my life.

I guess I should start trying to sort things out and get back on track.
so damn thankful that it's a holiday tomorrow.
At least I have an actual day off.
Well I miss you.
Always loving you.

9/5/14

Decided to start jotting down what I do everyday. How my day went etc. 
Hopefully this'll keep me sane at the very least cuz i totally feel like i've lost my mind.

I told myself countless times it'll get better overtime. People ard me say that too. 
What bullshit. 
I know taking pills arent gonna kill me unless i manage to get my hands on sleeping pills.
But i am scared.
Anyway.
Im back to fucking up everything in my life once more. I would call myself a class A whore but tht seems like such an understatement.

Drank last night.
Thought of you the entire time. 
He showered me with endless compliments.
Tht felt rly nice. Made me a little happier.
When he kissed me I missed you.
I felt nothing but gross.
Tried to sleep it off after he left but woke up realising i ate before sleeping and just had to force it out or id be ugly.

Drinking again later on.
Hopefully the him tonight would be a little more similar to you.

1/5/14

All this drama is so dumb.
Everyone whos talking, all of you has got no say. 
I love him, thats all. I know it and he knows it.

If you love me, then come back and be with me. 
Enough of childish hurtful words.
Enough of hiding, running, saying things that you don't mean or playing stupid games.

I just hope you make the choice which makes you happy. 

1/5/14

Yknow ive never believed tht anyone would have the ability to make me wish to die so badly. never.
Ive always known i was a strong girl. I know that I am. I never understood why throughout the past year ive been wishing for death so so badly.
Its so hard to face myself in the mirror everyday thinking that hell or heaven would feel so much better.
And so heartbreaking to have tried time and again but failed. Every single time before I try, I think about my mum and dad, and all my friends whos been here with me and showed so much love and concern. 
If i were to be gone I need to let them know how much i appreciate every single little thing theyve done for me and how much I love all of them too. 
I dont hate anyone I could never actually hold hatred for a person. Though I gossip alot, I laugh at and I bitch but I dont mean any of all that I swear. In my heart I dont. I judge, I have my doubts and judgments but at the end of the day even if someone whos hurt me and torn me down, anyone, if they needed a helping hand I would never hesitate to lend one. 
I believe we should all be like that. I believe the world truly is beautiful regardless of how ugly some people seem. By ugly, I mean on the inside. In their heart. They may seem like the ugliest and cruelest of all but I strongly believe people are all beautiful. Some are just misunderstood. Too hurt. Too insecure. Too full of hatred towards certain matters abt certain things in life.
No one would ever be able to let go of their own problems completely. People call me naive but I dont think so. As much as I seem so and sometimes I do feel like I am, naiveity in my point of view is just shallow. I know bad things happen there really are bad people. Murderers rapists etc. But nothing happens without a reason. If we could all just show a little understanding love and forgiveness. The world would be such a better place.

19/3/14

I wanna take the time to jot down everything that's happened again lately. Just for the sake of it and the thought that one fine day in the future I would look back at this and think to myself that "I've made it." 
So ig broke up w me again. This time it was really official. We arent really talking much, tho i just talked to him just now. Am glad we are still friends. When this happened 1 week plus back, it was horrible. My whole world came crashing down again.
I remember getting so paranoid and cabbing down to that midnight eatery place (forgot what its called) just to meet him, because in my heart i could tell smth wasnt right btw us. 
Met him, cried like crazy. For no apparent reason.
He was sick of everything. I could see it in his eyes. Tht hint of happiness and excitement he used to have whenever he saw me just was not there anymore. That spark. It was more of a 'here we go again, pls spare me' kind of feel tht he gave off. And was giving off for the past weeks.
But although i could feel it, I was in denial. I was just secretly hoping that maybe he would decide to truly start afresh and let everything go. That maybe he would put everything down and love me unconditionally all over again like he did before. How could i be so selfish, i really wonder. I expected so much from him. Too much. He never told me i love you anymore. Nor did he text me first. I just denied everything..

Alas, the next day, it was over. My heart sank. Broke. Was torn. And probably clueless and in a daze. Locked myself at home. It felt like a part of me was taken away.
A few days later. 2 or 3. I went off to club w my girls. Just drank and drank and drank. And that very night, the accident happened.
It all happened so fast. At the time i was unable to even weigh out the severity of the situation. After realising they were all unconscious and the door wouldn't open. It hit me. Got off, climbed through the window and walked barefoot. Saw them on the grass. Everything was a blank sight. No thoughts. Just tears.
Another part of me was lost. I still can't exactly pinpoint how much this has affected me.
The only thing i can say is i know that im not the same but im telling myself that im okay.

I needed him there at the hospital. But there were two people i needed more. 
My mum and dad. 
That day i learnt, the only man a girl can truly depend on is her father. He was never one to yell at or nag at me. I like that.
But i could see and feel the worry and relief in him when he saw me. Everything was still a blank. It felt like two important doors to the two most important rooms in my heart were slammed shut in my face, never to be opened again. Dad brought me home. The part that scared and still scares me the most today is that i was physically unscathed from everything, apart from bruises and the seat-belt burn across my chest. 

I stayed in my room for a whole day. Facebook was flooded w the news. 
I felt so weak. Probably the lowest ive ever felt in my life. Nothing seemed to hold any meaning, it was just that scene replaying in my head and endless thoughts of why im alive and why it happened. It was all plain foolish guilt. Guilty abt being alive.
On that very day i realized something too. Friends that ive been calling my friends arent rly real friends after all.
I thought i had many friends, truth is ive got less than 5 people who truly cares about me out there. And im so much more than thankful that they are there for me. Another door shut in my face after that dawned upon me. 
It wasnt that big of a blow, but it did sting a little more than I thought it would have.

Then came the part that i knew would come, what im so used to throughout these years of being known on social media. People started asking my questions. People i didnt know. And then came my favourite ones. Why arent you dead? You shouldve died. You dont deserve to live. You shouldve been in their places. Its your fault. You couldve done smth abt it. Yada yada. Heres the fucking catch to all of you. Alot may have happened to me. And oh yes i am feeling down and am very affected. But one thing's for sure, there's no way in HELL that your words are ever going to get to me. I am not going to sit here listening to everything you say and simply nodding and not saying a word back. No fucking way.
You want me dead? I am alive. And its okay for you to say that. I know where all your hatred is coming from. Someone else out there has probably wished death upon you too. That is something i would never say or do. I should be lying in a coffin? No. Instead, you should be ashamed for saying that. Shame on you.
Apart from the negative comments. There were countless people facebook messaging me asking me to be strong. Old friends ive lost contact with for years, teachers, counsellors. That let a little bit of light into all the darkness. Thank you, so much, all of you. i really do appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. 
I decided to suck it up. Eat something. Get some sleep. And go to my friend's wake.
It was still impossible for me to get into a cab/car so i took the bus. But that was okay. 
I did not go to michelle's wake though, because i did not know her well. Just knew her that day. And the day i was supposed to be there, i got an anxiety attack. Im sorry i could not make it there. I am truly sorry.

Then yesterday came. I rly needed a drink. So did my dear friend. It occurred to me too that i was not the only one who had problems. Everyone else out there has their own hardships which are equally as difficult for them to get through alone too. She was there for me, no way was i going to let her feel alone when she needs a friend there. And so we drank. And drank. I did ponder about it. Whether it was foolish to be drinking without a limit after everything thts happened. But at the time, I wanted to be drunk. I felt like i needed to get drunk. Everything piled up together, was just too much. 
She got me home safe, and i love her. Thank you so much babe.
My mc lasts till today and its back to school for me later. A new start. A fresh page. As each second, minute and hour passes, i am and will be getting that bit stronger. People think I appear unaffected. The ignorance of humans.
I am affected, but I'm not going to be weak. I'm choosing to be strong.

13/2/14

Youre sleeping now. You look adorable.
I know i rly shouldnt be here.
Im sorry for coming into yr hse without yr permission. But i cldnt help it i needed t see you..
You went to zouk ytd haha hope you had a blast.
I was so paranoid tht some girl might be sleeping beside you in yr bed or smth. I brought scissors even cuz i planned to cut off her hair while she sleeps should there be a slut here.
But i knw you wouldnt do smth like tht. 
I want you back so badly and ill do wtv it takes. If you dont love me anymore then its okay. Its fine. Ill stay away but still be there, you just wouldnt know (: ill leave you alone. I just want you to be happy whatever makes you happy ill oblige to it. 
But should any bitch break your heart or hurt you. Should any sluts try to force themselves onto you. Ill be here to take them out. Ill fuck them up. 
Ill never let anyone hurt you ignatius chia. 
This i promise you. I dont mind just being a friend. Or a sister or a listener or just a nobody. Or tht crazy exgirlfriend who cant ler you go. Name it and ill be it. Ill do anything for you. I will never ever give you up or let you go. Ill keep trying. I know theres still tht bit of hope.
I wanna go over beside you and hug you so bad now. But thts so wrong counting the fact tht i so called 'broke in' to yr hse...
I love you, you know? 
I wrote you a letter even. I am considering leaving it here and gg to my afternoon class but...no. I dont want to. Only when youre here i feel fine.
A part of me was empty since the day we broke up. After tht argument we had earlier and wtv u said all ive been thinking abt is you.
Idk if im going insane. I wont know.
But i do know tht im insane abt you. 
Not having you ard is driving me crazy.
Should tht day come where you meet another girl tht you love with all your heart in the future, id wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart too. As long as you are happy, im assured.
But ill still be there to catch you if you ever fall my dearest.
Now im just sitting here. Staring at you. I feel like a stalker or a mad woman.....i really dont know...
I love you. So much. And lastly,
I am sorry.
So sorry about everything. I truly am.
Im sorry.

21/1/14

I was here, sick as hell. You knew.
You form of caring was : facebook messaging me.
You did not call. You did not come down to see me, tho it was your off day as well.
You could still play your computer games. You could still go play basketball.
Take a sec and imagine how I felt.
Thrs no where else i can let these feelings of mine out onto,
if I were to tell them to you, you would say I'm only thinking for myself.
Don't you even deny that because that's what you'd do and you know it so so so well..
Idk what to do.

19/01/14

He left me today. Or yesterday. Yeah, yesterday. Still feels like moments ago tho. 

I just got home. It's 4:21 am. 

Cried in the cab on the way back. Didn't understand why at first, 

then I realized I was actually crying over him. The first ever since Kelvin. 

It came as a shock, but not much of a surprise after all those thoughts ran through my mind.

I really did love this guy. 

Got off, got home. Am in my room now.

Made 5 drunk calls to him just now in the cab but all of them either got rejected or ignored.

I counted the dialtones, some reached 10 some didn't. I don't know why he doesn't even want to talk to me.

But it's okay, I'll be fine. 

Got home, made two more calls to him with my phone after charging it but he didn't answer either.

Expected.

It's okay, I'll be fine. Just keep telling yourself that.